Published in the Westchester Guardian, March 2011
Deep down a small voice was trying to get me to keep awake, keep my eyes open, get out of the chair and move! I tried to remember the old maxim: move a muscle, change a thought. The anxiety kept pounding in my head and chest. My heart felt 10 times its size and weight. Thoughts focused on one fear, overwhelming all other sensations, blocking any chance that a pleasurable thought or distraction thinking could evolve and relieve the stress. Struggling, with my feet unsteadily planted on the floor, I moved slowly to retrieve my jacket.
Upon reaching the front door and getting into the night air, the battle was slowly waged. My legs, my whole body felt like I was walking through chest high water. Feeling unsteady and awkward, the fresh air helped a little. A casual conversation with a neighbor and a small snack purchased from the corner gas station brought more relief. Other, more positive thoughts were able to gain ‘space’ in my mind. Slowly, the tools taught in therapy were remembered and applied. I was able to mentally rebuild a small foundation of security and redevelop inner strength and the sense of self. As one obsessive thought of fear subsided – more positive affirmation thoughts garnered.
Fortunately, severe anxiety attacks are very rare. Unfortunately, I do not remember the issue or the trigger(s) that set the anxiety in motion. Remembering the trigger or issue would aid in blocking, hopefully, future occurrences. I was lucky enough that the attack occurred at home, a place where I was able to get about, move, find something to do, etc. Sometimes these overwhelming thoughts occur while in a car or theater – a place where physical mobility is not a possibility.
On the other end of the spectrum, with my type of mental dysfunction, when I am not deeply focused on a single positive or negative calamity, this brain of mine is flooded with innumerable thoughts and images. Like most minds, however, mine does not seek out thoughts of things to do, to read or listen, accomplish, etc., but “picks up” on medical uncertainties, doubts, what if scenarios. Thoughts come as I am walking, shopping, in the middle of conversations, and sometimes in my dreams. Mornings can be the most disconcerting, as these images and thoughts may occur during those moments between sleep and being fully awake.
There seems to be triggers every where. Like a July Fourth sparkler, in a room of old dried up newspapers, thoughts fly out hoping to ignite and create a new wave of anxiety and fear. As quickly as they come, I try to remember and apply skills learned through numerous therapy sessions. Distracting techniques is one method. Another is mindfulness which is to be fully aware and focused in the present now, no matter whatever is occurring, from talking to eating, from walking to working. Here you learn to concentrate on that moment and that moment alone. Using a computer helps me. So does reading, music, jigsaw puzzles, and models. (Television may not be the best place to escape, with its sometime violent images and focus on the latest diseases. In our secular society, commercialism consistently tells us what to fear. The communication medium is paid to sell this fear and sense of uncertainty for there is profit for those items that supposedly bring wellbeing.)
This mental pain and anxiety makes me (and all who suffer) feel so alone in a world of electronic communications and gadgetry where everyone else appears to have found “it”, the key to happiness. The illness “squeezes out” thoughts of what makes us what we are: Spiritual beings with an immortal soul that can love and be loved.
As a Roman Catholic, I enjoy the intricacy of the Faith: the Sacraments, the duality, contradictions and mystery, the concept of Saints and sainthood, as well as Purgatory, Transubstantiation, some private revelations, the Apparitions of the Virgin Mary and the Trinity. Faith, in its simplest meaning, offers purpose and comfort with the special blessings & gifts of joy, pleasure and kindness. Faith also takes practice, effort and discipline and the acceptance that we will never know why awful things happen.
I fear that there will be much pain and frustration that accompanies growth. I fear that there will always be too much focus on what the tomorrows may bring. I wish for some answer when thoughts of faith disappear and evaporate in our cluttered culture and when my fragile mind switches to the gear of fear, loneliness, doubt and sometimes terror. I wish there was a ‘Turn on the Faith” button when rough waters occur.
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Glenn Slaby Blog