Published in the Westchester Guardian, April 2014
Dear Reader;
I wanted to focus on how the United States could offset the mad power grab by the power hungry Russian leader. Since Russia has taken the Crimea based on a “vote”, our free, capitalist democracy should ask the people from the Ukraine to vote for the admission to these United States. Putin would then have to face the full economic and commercial power right on his borders. I planned to establish a petition for admitting the Ukraine state through the White House’s official petition site.
However, just as I was about to advertise my petition in the New York Times with my idea containing a detailed review of the combined statistical power of the American and Ukrainian industrial, political and economic base, just released documents have disclosed that our State Department has been having secret negotiations with representatives from a still undisclosed nation that wants to join our union of These United States. Secretary of State John Kerry has been in talks with unnamed officials when the Crimea crisis occurred. Many in the know understand and firmly believe that Mr. Putin’s “invasion” of this peninsular was the result of Russia’s learning of our government’s progress of such talks. Please note, it is only speculation that the inquiring country is near the Russian geographic sphere of influence. Also heard is that the nation, although poor has substantial natural reserves of titanium, diamonds and kryptonite. The code word for this nation is “Fredonia”. This nation’s president is code-named RTF. Rumor has it that the name stands for “Rufus T. Firefly”.
Also, another secret report dated April 1st, not by the State Department, nor the Interior Department, nor the commerce nor the Pentagon, but by the AARP – the Association of American Retired Psychiatrist stated that there is one sure way of defeating this new threat and unlike the Reagan method of outspending the former Soviet Union we will actually improve and grow with a budget surpluses: Putin may believe he has the ability and power to contend with whatever the free world has to send his way. We may not call his bluff militarily, but faced with American commercialism and pop culture, he and his cronies will not know what hit him. Move over Pussy Riot here comes Miley Cyrus.
Putin must ask this question: are the Russian people ready to contend with Ukrainian Disney World, McDonalds, Duck Dynasty, The Easter Bunny and Santa Clause? Taking on Pussy Riot was one thing, taking on the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo is a whole, entirely new fight.
Key officials from both major political parties have been consistently updated on the progress of these talks. Democrats, believing this nation is from the third world are encouraging of strong, progressive and assertive approach. The Republicans believing the nation represents a small, but wealthy nation from the Northern hemisphere, Canada, are also encouraging an aggressive attitude. Neither party has any doubts that they are wrong but have made contingency plans.
Assuming their view of the worst case scenario, worse, the junior Senator from Texas stated, “These foreigners do not deserve to join our sacred union. Their culture is not an American one. They are outsiders and we cannot let those too different to come in. America does not allow, need outsiders. We are the true natives. Texans are true Americans and you could spot a true loving, gun toting American a mile away and that is who we want in.”
The other Texan Senator stated, “If every nation in the world joined the U.S., take our laws, beliefs and ideas, then where would we be? There would be nothing unique about us. I only see food stamps applications and usage increasing. A one world nation with the same goals desires would never last. Where would the rich hide their money? We will be harming the job creators.”
Some commercial developments: In what appears to be a break in the Conservative branch of the Republican Party, Donald Trump has paid for a sign to be placed above Kiev’s tallest building – The Trump Colossal. The cigarette and liquor companies are redoubling their efforts to enhance the manliness of their respective products, especially to teens. Fox News is waiting for some talking points.
In the professional sporting world The New York Mets have sent scouts in search of left-handed shot putters or is it the Jets, who are also looking for a stadium to call their own. Our Universities our looking for athletic recruits and new Bowl events. With 44 million people there has to be some who can play American football. Meanwhile, the PGA considerers the steppes to be perfect for golf courses and future tournament sites. (The environmental agencies also consider these steppes perfect for wind farms and solar panels.)
One of the major problems facing many nations is ethnic diversity and divide. Our cultural elites do not let opportunities like this go unnoticed. To heal this divide or more likely to feed on this, our major television networks such as cultural icon Bravo has put forward “Wife Swap” where Russian wives trade places with Ukrainian wives. Not to be outdone TLC is developing the show, “Survivor Chernobyl”, where contestants are parachuted naked into the old, deserted city.
On the news front, in the print media, even with a 99.7% literacy rate and compulsory education from 6 to 16, Rupert Murdoch is not deterred in spreading his news, information network. Sports Illustrated is coming put with “Coal Miner’s Daughter Swimsuit issue”.
Finally Reader, I hope this brings a little levity to a dangerous situation where so many lives are at risk.
Glenn Slaby Blog