Published in the Westchester Guardian, November 2012
It is said, that to hear the voice of God, one must listen carefully, for He comes not in a roar, but in a whisper. With mental illness there can be no silence, only incessant voices. Voices of fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt and envy are always attacking, challenging the ego and ones self-worth. There can be too many voices, trying to get your attention, trying to overpower the Voice of Truth.
In “normal” situations, for me, there are thoughts/voices of should, should haves, and what ifs. In difficult situations, the brain tries to create fear through the application of self-protection where worry and concern drives one to “prepare” for any contingency, getting the adrenaline flowing to either fight or flight. These voices, gremlins (labeling them makes the fight easier), want me to focus on the possible but VERY improbable situations for the purpose of making life as uncomfortable as possible. Maybe I should call these gremlins my little devils turning this into a sort of spiritual struggle, where I can invoke my allies of prayer and the eternal and possibly rendering God’s voice a little clearer.With normal aches and pains my mind tries to wander into this dangerous territory of false negative thinking. It will begin as soon as I wake up, with my heart racing and the brain mislabeling and catastrophizes thoughts in the subconscious. This type brain mislabeling comes under the heading of Cognitive Distortions. They are similar to “Stinkin Thinkin”, (see my May 31, 2012 column). Some web sites such as Psychcentral.com list 15 common ones. Their definition is “that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions.” I had already discussed two major distortions in the September 20, 2012 issue – emotional reasoning and catastrophizing. Distortions and their definitions overlap.
Filtering. Focusing just on the negative details and filtering out the positive. You only see that facial blemish and not the entire person. One really can damage a relationship if we cannot see the positive in others or the self. When I used to build those plastic models I could not help but focus on the parts where the glue was too visible and not the other 40 or 50 pieces. As a very religious person, if I concentrate too much and not get pass the human frailties and weakness of its members, I will miss the beauty that is offered.
Polarized (Black or White) Thinking. We have to be perfect. My performance has to be perfect or I see myself as a failure. For me, this can apply to any job performance review where one slightly critical note implies failure, incompetence. Like condemning your looks, your entire self-worth because of that one minor blemish. Using the plastic model example, I felt that the project was a failure if the finished product was not perfect. This is also called ‘all or nothing thinking’. My faith and spirituality would be in serious doubt if I applied this thinking and perfectionism to the leaders of my Church. I do, however, expect honesty, common sense and openness.
Jumping to Conclusions. Another distortion based on a past event like someone not greeting you and believing that this was an intentional snub or some future event like a dental appointment and expecting the worse without evidence or supporting facts, fueled by insecurity.
Escaping from these distortions requires discipline and well thought out strategies. By using Dr. Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), especially the Core Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation modules (see March 15, 2012); one can slowly retain some sense of normalcy.
Other strategies include deep breathing, staying on medications and off mood alter drugs, along with thinking positive, positive self-talk, and avoiding non-judgmental people. Also one must immediately substitute negative thoughts with positive ones, make a daily gratitude list, journalize, pray and/or meditate journalize as well as getting involved with the creative arts and crafts like poetry, painting and drawing. Seeking mental health professionals (social workers, psychiatrists and psychologists) is a highly recommended strategy for obvious reasons such as seeking clarifications, guiding you in searching for confidants and assist in setting boundaries and priorities.
It is very, very difficult when caught in a downward spiral to reverse thinking patters and pull oneself upward. Personally, I need assistance; a clearer voice. Recently, while ‘accidently’ reading a health care article, all I could do was maintain an uncomfortable emotional level and just hang on until I met with my therapist. One must NOT constantly and consistent bother loved ones, friends and family when distorted thoughts take hold. This was a mistake I made prior and sometimes continue in a lesser extent. Damage to relationships can be severe and long lasting.
These thoughts, mental illness, can take away, hijack bits and pieces of your life, your soul. The conversations of life, your prayers, the interactions with loved ones, are terribly affected. At times with my family or at church, my mind is so involved with obtrusive thoughts that I am emotionally absent, a non-participant. Chronic illness, however, has also forced me to seek the deeper meanings of life, to search for God when otherwise I might have been searching for the temporary pleasures that abound this false path, leading nowhere.
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Glenn Slaby Blog